I've been SO neglectful! I'm sorry...


but I've been BUSY!



I'm proud to announce my novel, COMING HOME, is available on Kindle and Nook! It will soon be available in paperback, ibooks, kobo, etc.



Here's the Kindle link...and don't worry. You don't need to have a Kindle to read it. There are Kindle apps for all computers and most phones!
 

Inner Strength and Hard Lessons

One of the things I have been struggling with while working with DCS has been my unwillingness to work with them before I had my Fifi and Buddy. I did go to an information meeting, but I quickly realized there was no way I would be able to do it. I couldn’t risk giving my heart to a child I might not get to keep. I wouldn’t risk my own broken heart, even to save theirs.

So I got on a plane and went far, far away to find the most “sure thing” adoption I could find. And I loved it. I loved Russia and the travel. I loved the people in Russia. I loved my babies’ squishy little cheeks and bobbly heads. And I really loved that the minute we lifted off the runway toward home when I knew they were mine forever.

If the dollar weren’t weak. If the cost of another adoption from Russia weren’t so out of control and out of reach. If I was independently wealthy, I’d go back. In a heartbeat. I say to myself that I wouldn’t. That the price is so high it boarders on child trafficking. But I know in my heart if I could do it, I would do it again. But I can’t. And I’ve made peace with that. Mostly.

But I worry too. My children have changed so much in my life…and fortified my heart. They have helped me understand that loving a child will always be a benefit to that child. Any time spent in a functional, loving environment will make a difference to them, even if that family isn’t theirs to keep.

But while I worry less about my heart break and I worry more about Fifi and Buddy. I’ve explained the differences to them. They understand about their birthmothers and they know they lived first in a baby house in Russia until I came for them. They understand the children who come to live with us may not stay…that in this country the children stay with families instead of in a baby house, until their families can care for them or new parents are found. They understand this in theory, but I am worried about how they will handle saying goodbye to a friend. And if they can embrace a new brother or sister after thinking of them as just a visitor.

But as I laid awake last night I remembered that my job as their mother—their adoptive mother in particular, is not only to teach them how to love. While it might not always seem so, learning to love someone is the easy part. The other thing I must teach them if they are to become happy adults with healthy relationships, is how to let go.

Parents teach this to children without ever really thinking about it. I mean, the entire gold fish and hamster industry exists so that kids are exposed to death. Why else would parents choose such fragile pets with short life expectancies? Why not a turtle or a parrot? Because you don’t want their first experience with death to be Grandma or Grandpa or even Great Aunt Mildred.

As much as I want to protect them from anyone and anything that might cause them pain, I know I can’t do that. Moreover, I know I SHOULDN’T do that. My children need to learn to handle the painful situations that come to every life without turning to drugs or alcohol or other unsafe behavior. They need to know they will feel pain, but it will subside in time. They need to learn to grieve, understand its okay to cry and in the end, learn to let go.

As much as I hate it, I need to allow them to find and cultivate their own inner strength because it will always be there for them—even when I won’t.

Being a foster family will do help me teach them an important life lesson...and help another child have a life.  Seems like a win-win situation to me.

The flu and growing up...

Every now and then we have those weeks that just knock the stuffing out of you. Literally. That was last week. We all had the flu.

While I wouldn’t want to go through that again, being home for four days with the kids did have it’s moments…good ones, too. J We laid around, watched movies and played games. Saturday we finally all felt well enough to venture our and after I got home from my last foster parent training class we went to the movies.

We saw Bedtime Stories and Fifi found it hysterical. She laughed all of the way through, but especially at the Guinea Pig. It had great big buggy eyes and every time it would come on she would dissolve in giggles. She’s also starting to get more of the humor. I love Disney movies for many reasons, but my favorite is the way the layer the humor. As you get older different parts of different movies are funny. This time, Fifi was laughing at the parts I was laughing at as well as the parts the kids find funny.

My baby is growing up.

FAKT #2

FAKT class number 2 was on Saturday. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. Buddy had a ear infection mid-week and Fifi had the stomach flu on Friday, but it all worked out.

One more week of FAKT training then on Saturday of CPR, First Aid and Blood Bourne Pathogens. After that there are two evening trainings regarding adoption and the homestudy.

I'm really still just out of the starting gate, but it feels good to be making progress. The weird part about this foster to adopt thing, is the uncertainty of it all. You'd think, two adoptions in, I'd be used to uncertainty. That's true to an extent, but with Russia, both times I was fairly sure at the end of it all there would be a child. But now, there are no such guarentees. I have no idea if I will ever be matched with a child at all, let alone one I get to keep.

The waiting will always be a struggle for me when it comes to this or any adoption process...but I'm working on it.

"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted. me what I asked of Him." -- 1 Samuel 1:27

Sleepless nights and my favorite adoption quote...

Buddy has been been up at night a lot this week. He has an ear infection and he's been having "growing pains" in his legs. After a couple of sleepless nights, I'm pretty much "knackered" as my New Zealand friends would say.

Last night I was up with Buddy until the wee hours of the morning. He's got a bad infection and Mommy is bleary eyed today. He's been to the doctor and he's on the mend with hardly a hitch.

Thinking about sleepless nights got my thinking about my favorite adoption quote...

"Our children are not ours because they share our genes...they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works." --Anonymous

I love that word. Audacity. President Obama used it in his book, "Audacity of Hope" which someday I hope to have a spare moment to read. Maybe when the kids are in middle school.

Dictionary.com defines it as: au⋅dac⋅i⋅ty  [aw-das-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties. 1. boldness or daring, esp. with confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions.

Adoption is not for those who can easily accept the status quo but for those who are not bothered by challanging it. We have the courage to do what others would not or would only imagine. That's what most of us who adopt, do. Especially those of us who adopt on our own. Single parenting is not for the faint of heart or faith. It is also not for those who require great amounts of sleep!

But it is for those of us to dream of a life bigger than the one we have--for those of us who, though not unafraid, still search for our own dream and build our lives as we envision them.

I'm finding that each time is a little different and takes a different kind of courage. The first time it was mainly fear of the unknown. The second time it was mostly fear of how this new child would effect the one I already had and the fact he was a boy. I haven't had such a great track record where men are conserned :-)

This time its all a lot calmer and I am worrying less. If my children have taught me anything, it is to have faith and hold on for the ride.

Ggggrrrrrr!

Blogger is hating me today.

The post I worked on last night for an hour didn't post this morning as I had planned.

I did have a bit of good news though. The Case Worker at DCS is processing my paperwork today. She said it looks really good. Only one paper was included that didn't need to be and she is going to send that back to me so I can send it to the correct place.

The only thing I have left to do it finish up the training and have the two homestudy meetings. One will be at the social workers office and one will be at the house with the kids.

I'm a little nervous about that one. Not about the house, or the kids...but in 10 years of adopting and post placements, I've only ever worked with Ruth, our beloved social worker/mentor/now friend. Ruth and I were always on the same page when it came to my family, the roll of God in creating it and pretty much everything else. Now there's going to be somebody new to get to know. I have to trust that's going to go fine. I'm finding it easier to maintain calm so far. :-)

I'm still a control freak when it comes to the paperwork and getting things done but I am working on having faith it will all be done in the right amount of time to find the child waiting for us.

I'm breathing deep and trying to enjoy the process. So far so good.

A Little Less Freaky

Saturday was my first "FAKT" class. FAKT stands for Foster Adopt Kinship Training. I was dreading the time away from the kids and pretty much dreading the class. I mean, I've adopted and parented two children for quite some time now. I really didn't think they had much to teach me.

And maybe they didn't really. Most of the information I've heard before. But there was one really neat bonus.

Adoption is a very solitary process. I did the paperwork alone, the homestudy alone and for the most part, the waiting alone. My family tried to be supportive, but they really couldn't understand what I was going through. Especially the first time, I made friends on line to share the horrible wait. I went on my first trip for Sophie alone and both trips for Max were by myself.

It was cool to be with a group of people all wanting the same thing....to help children. There were folks there who wanted only to foster, but most of the people there are hoping to adopt. Most in the same age range as I am. That doesn't bode well for my chances of being placed with a newborn with all of those couples, but instead of filling me with dread, I'm okay with it. For today, I'm just going to enjoy the company.

Hurdles

Today I received the first criminal clearance back for foster care. One hurdle down and hundreds more to go. I'm not good at this part of the process...the hurry up and wait part.

I'm GREAT at completing paperwork. Give me a task to do and I'm happy. Make me feel like I'm accomplishing something or getting closer to my child and I'm ecstatic.

Wasted time, wasted efforts = waiting longer and my child waiting longer and I'm grumpy.

People always say how "lucky" I was to get to pick up my kids when they were only 8 months old. That is almost unheard of when you're adopting from Russia. Now, it's not even legal as the kids need to stay on the registry far longer. And I was lucky, but I was also determined. I never wasted a moment or an opportunity. I had my friend become a notary, purchased a fax machine and opened a FedEx account. I could have any document completed and appostiled at the Secretary of States office in two days, one if I drove it there.

I took the paperwork WITH me on trip one that most people came home and spent a month or more working on after their return. That meant I picked my son up when he was eight months and one day old. The couple I traveled with one trip one waited six months longer because they got caught up in a reorganization.

There is so little any Adoptive Parent can control in the process of adoption. For us control freaks, that's a challenge. I have a very funny story about control and what I learned about it on the way to pick up my son. I'll tell you about it tomorrow...

The Competition for Children

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, thinking about a third child. I decided on Foster Care and I still feel good about that so far. I feel like there is another child our there for me...it's just a matter of finding him or her.

But even in foster care there is competition. These children are placed in your home expressly because there is not a parent or family member to properly care for them. It seems crazy to me that it is so cutthroat. The truth is, the younger, the healthier and the whiter a child is, the more they are in demand. Fees are high and the competition is fierce for a healthy caucasian newborn. Frankly, ranking high in any one of this seemingly "golden triad" is going to cost you. Only the creme de la creme of adoptive parents are going to even get a shot.

That's not a pretty statement. I recoil as I type it, but in my opinion, it happens to be true. I'm caucasian and have mostly caucasian children. Most people would think I went to Russia because that was important to me. Truth be told, Russia was not my first choice, but my third and I went there because I'm single and they said yes.

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit the fact my children and I look alike didn't make our lives easier. My children and I are very proud they are adopted and proud of their Russian heritage. But I have to admit that sometimes you want your life to just be your life. Sometimes you just want to get groceries without some nice Grandma lady asking you if you know who their "real" mother is.

Theres a lot of people who have a lot to say about cross-cultural adoption and I admit I can see all sides of the arguement. I have never cared about the race of my children. They could have been pink and purple polka dot for all I cared. BUT there's more than just what I want, to consider. My children were given up at birth, lived in an orphanage before moving half way around the world to be raised by a single mother. Would it have been fair to me to throw the race card in there as well? I don't know.

While race and gender are still non-issues to me, what is important to me this time around, is their age. Most parents want younger children and I understand. I do too. But of course in my head my reasons are better. I'm more justified. Just as, I'm sure, every other prospective parent feels like their reasons are more important.

Being a single mom, I feel it is only fair to the children I have and the child I may add to our family keep within some parameters. As much as I wish there weren't any. I wish I could parent any child--every child, but I know that's not possible as much as I'd like to. One of the hardest parts of being a parent, I have learned, is to know your limitations.

At this point in my life, I think any new child should be a young as possible. I don't want to upset the birth order of my kids and at 4 and 7, they're still young. They are still too vulnerable to a child who's tragically been forced to grow up too quickly.

My Case Worker literally rolled her eyes when I answered the question of age. I don't care about gender, race, religion etc. etc. I'm willing to consider many special needs and medical conditions. But I really don't feel like I can budge on age. I realize she probably hears a lot of that.

Many parents want infants and toddlers and I found myself apologizing for my choices. But I don't think I should have to. I know what's right for my family. I will stick to my guns on that because it's important. My first and foremost responsibility is to the children I have already promised to care for.

I fear in the end the placement of a child in this family will come down to a fight and I dread it. I still don't know if I'll go a few rounds or walk away. It's not that I wouldn't fight to the ends of the earth for my kids, I just wish there was a system where I didn't have to. Maybe it's naive to think we could all work together and make this world a better place for children, but I can still pray for it. As my Dad used to say, I always want "sunshine and roses on rainy day." But why not? Don't we parents who long for children deserve that? Moreover, don't the CHILDREN deserve it?

I know I don't get out much and the only movies I've seen in years in an actual theatre have been rated G. But I love movies made for children. My favorite quote lately is from Katie, in Horton Hears a Who.

Katie says: "In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies."

That sounds good to me too.

Good things come in threes...

Today I got the best news, but first a bit of back ground.

I grew up in a small town with family everywhere. In particular, I grew up with two cousins, both girls and we were all born within a year of each other. We were all close growing up and they were both in my wedding.

We grew up and our lives have taken us in different directions, but I still love them both dearly.

Today I found out they are both expecting! Here's to hoping I am, too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. There's a reason they say good things come in threes.

The BIG Announcement is...

that Fifi, Buddy and I are hoping to add another child to our family!

Unfortunately, we don't have the resouces to be able to return to Russia for a third (actually 5th and 6th) time. But instead we've embarked on a new journey. I'm currently (officially) in the process to foster/foster to adopt through my local county Department of Children's Services.

To tell you the truth, I'm a bit afraid of the whole process and spend most of my time imagining adorable children given to more worthy couples. Like elementary gym class I envision being the last one picked. But I'm trying to have faith that this is the process and the time.

What we expect...

I was thinking today about the book series "What to Expect" You know, When You're Expecting, The Toddler Years etc. (There should be an adoption one, but that's a whole different topic)

I was thinking about what I expected before I adopted. I just can't remember. I think I just had fuzzy visions of my daughter and I snuggled up in a rocking chair. But now as I ponder a third adoption, I realized how much my expectations have changed. I guess the thing about children, is that you should expect anything.

Now, while I still expect late night cuddles and milky kisses, but I'm more realistic. The now-experienced adoptive mommy I've grown to be, expects them to have trouble adjusting, that they will misbehave at times, be funny, make me laugh, make my cry, break my heart while they're making it sing.

I expect they will knock over their milk at dinner, refuse to eat their green beans, make me hand prints for mother’s day, pick me dandelions, be afraid during thunderstorms, make a mess with their toys, fight with their siblings. I expect they will need help, love, understanding and guidance to reach their potential and grow to be whatever God has planned for them.

Back to our regular scheduled programing...

Last week's topic went a little around the bend, so I guess I'll come back to what we were talking about last week. Just to refresh your memory and mind, it was the decision to adopt vs. the motivation to adopt.

When I first thought about it, I assumed they were pretty much the same thing. But the more I though about it, the more I realized that they were pretty different.

I've been considering for some time, adopting another child. But I hadn't really made a decision or been motivated to do much about it. When I starting looking serously, I realized that the prices had dramatically increased these last four years...and they had certainly out paced my income.

International Adoption is pretty much just out. There is no way I can afford any programs that I am eligible for, being single.

I'm considering foster to adopt and Domestic African American adoption. Both make me nervous. Foster to Adopt because it might not work out and if I didn't it would probably break my heart and AA adoption because birth mother's choose the parents.

It just brings back visions of elementary school gym class and always being chosen last :-)

But serously, the thought of competing for a child makes me nervous and I'm not sure it's for me.

For right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what path God has waiting for us.

Report Card Day

There is nothing so scary than report card day when you are a little kid. Even if you know you've been doing well, its still scary.

Well, today was that day in the Sellers' household. Fifi played it cool. After school I asked her about her report card and she handed it over, seemingly unbothered, and ran off with her friend who was visiting after school.

I opened the envelope and peered inside, my heart thudding as if the grades on the form were my own.

Her report card was perfect. Not just really good, but altogether no grade less than the best. I knew it would be very good, so I wasn't really surprised. She's an extremely bright little girl who loves school. But perfect. That caught me by surprise.

Then I remembered a day six years ago when a Doctor measured her head and looked at me with a look of pity before advising me I should start thinking about my options for custodial care. In his opinion she would never be able to function independently. Her head was too small for her to have an IQ in the normal range. She'd never, ever read. He said her head would not grow normally, never catch up and never hit the dreaded "growth curve."

And he was right, sort of. Her head never did hit the curve, but now she is seven they've stopped measuring it, there is no curve anymore. I've even stopped measuring it. :-)

Her IQ is higher than most, she's reading chapter books in first grade and has just brought home a report card that put a tear in her mother's eye.

What a girl I have. What a lucky, lucky Mommy I am.

Random Musings

Since I wandered off plan yesterday, I decided to keep on going. That's when all of the best things happen anyway, don't you think? I mean...the kids and I have the best times, the most fun when we just get in the car and drive. You never quite know where we're going to end up. We've been to really cool places we didn't know were even there because we picked a direction and used the GPS to find cool things along the way. A few weeks ago we found the greatest children's museum, we've been to county fairs, general stores and flea markets. (Buddy was very upset not to find fleas shopping there) We've been to the Pickle Festival, the Marshmallow Valley Fest and Turtle Days. The world is full of wonder and there's always a cool place to stop for ice cream on the way home.

But that's kind of like life isn't it? When I was a little girl, I'm pretty sure I never curled up under my covers at night and dreamed of being a sleep deprived single mom. I'm sure I never fathomed I'd cross several continents and theBut that's the path I followed and I wouldn't change it. Even for a double scoop of mint chocolate chip. I've found some pretty wonderful things along the way, too.

Happy Family Day!

Something seems to have gone wonky with blogger (operator error?) and the post I’d planned seems to have gone MIA.

So instead of continuing our regular programming…I’ll just say today is my son’s family day.

Some people call it "Gothcha Day" or "Adoption Day", but each year, like other families, we celebrate the day my kids entered our family. Generally it’s pretty low key. We go out to eat at their choice of restaurant and the kids receive a small treat like flowers or balloons.

I try to make it not be another “birthday” with a party and presents, but a deeper, closer family time. Their birthdays, while a celebration for them, are bittersweet for me. Because it is on that day I know their birthmothers are thinking about them and wondering where they are and what they’re doing. It is a reminder for me that this life I love is built on someone else’s sacrifice. Someone else’s tears.

But for me, their family days are pure joy. It was the day my dreams came true.

I love to hear about other families traditions. How do you/will you celebrate?

Decisions vs. Motivations

I was thinking about how different people's decisions to adopt are and I realized something I don't think about much and that's the motivation behind adoption.

Looking back, there were different motivations for different adoptions. And even more, there was more than one motivation for each adoption.

First and foremost, my motivation to adopt centered around wanting to be a mother--wanting to parent. I wanted that more than anything and looking back, it's what got me through the process. Is that need to parent, that literal ache in your arms for wanting to hold you child. Is that biological? Are we hardwired to feel it? Is it to insure the propigation of the species? Or is it more spiritual. Does the desire to mother (or father) a child come from God?

However, wanting to be a mother, while a good motivation, couldn't have been my only one, could it? If I wanted to be a mom I could have (maybe) had a birth child, married a man with children, become a foster parent, or big sister. I chose adoption, moveover, international adoption, as my method to form my family...and there were a couple of reasons.

I'm going to talk about then rest of them this week.

Adoption Story with a Twist

Today's story is from a dear friend of mine. She accompanied me on my adoption trip to pick of Fifi. Thank God she did. I was completely inexperienced and had no idea how to take care of an infant! I'll owe her forever. There's no one I'd rather have spent this most precious of times with than my oldest and dearest. Here's her story.


Julie is a friend of mine and has been for 27 years. I think what she is doing with this adoption blog is great and I am very proud of her. I am proud of her for taking her life in her own hands and not waiting for that prince to come to start her own family. When she first told me that she was thinking about adopting, I thought it was great, but then I wondered if she had thought this through. This isn't like going out and buying a new sweater, this is a decision that affects the rest of your life! She was going to be responsible for another human being, she was single and she wanted it! I was there with Julie as she went through the process to get Fifi.

I couldn't believe all the hoops they made Julie go through just to get a kid, when there are thousands of them out there. Julie went through every hoop they threw at her, and it seemed like it took forever! Finally she was on her way to Russia to meet her daughter. I could hardly believe she was going to Russia! It is so far away from where she grew up in NW Indiana. Who from our area went to Russia, let alone to adopt as a single parent. WOW! Julie came back with stories of what she saw, pictures and video of HER daughter.

The hard part, we found out later, was yet to come. THE WAIT! Julie was going nuts waiting to go back to get Fifi. She was visiting me one day when she said that I should go back with her to get Fifi. Yeah right! Me, a SAHM with two little ones of my own, leaving my midwest little town to go to Russia, that would never happen. Well, my husband thought it would be an experience of a lifetime and felt I should go. Next thing you know, I am getting a passport (something I thought I would never have), making arrangements to have my kids taken care of while I was gone, leaving lists for the hubby and packing. This helped give Julie something else to focus on during the wait, getting me ready to go with her. We finally got word, and we were on our way.

Going to Russia was amazing! I could tell stories of the wonderful tour that Julie and I took of Moscow, how I cried when I entered Red Square, of our scary plane ride to the town where we got Fifi, of the orphange, the list goes on an on. But the most amazing thing of all was when Julie and I were waiting in a room and the nurses were asking lots of questions about Julie and me and I showed them pictures of my kids, saying that Fifi would have two new friends waiting at home.

Then in walked a nurse with this little baby girl all bundled up in many layers of clothes and handed her to Julie and I cried. My friend got her baby, her little girl, the one she waited so long for and jumped through so many hoops for. She had her family, there in her arms, and I was there to witness it. It was a truly amazing moment.

Oh, I could go on about our trip and to this day I still do. I think I have a right though, Fifi is my Goddaughter and I love her dearly. Julie and I live about 2 hours away from one another, and we talk, email and visit as much as we can. I am blessed to be a part of Fifi's story and her life. I feel there are reasons they make adoption so hard. It shows how dedicated you are to being a parent. Lots of people can get pregnant and have a baby, but it takes a lot more to be a parent. I feel the adoption process makes you that better parent.

Lots of love to Julie, Fifi and Buddy!

Still More Ideas...

Employers

Part of my job in Human Resources was to negotiate the health benefits for my small company. We were self insured for a portion of our claims before the insurance company would take over paying. In my tiny company of only 100 people, that number was $30,000.
What that equates to is my company had a $30,000 deductible when it came to my healthcare. I also know most babies, born with no complications cost the company between $16-20,000. When I adopted, my children cost the company, $0.
At the time, I felt that really wasn’t fair at all, and if you press them, it would be difficult for senior management to deny that’s equitable treatment.
One mom was successful on changing her company’s policy on adoption leave. She suggested the idea via her company’s electronic suggestion box.

Become a one income household

Many two parent families decide it is best for their family if one parent stays home to care for their new child, at least for a while.
The average adoption takes a year or longer. If you start banking the second salary, you’ll have the money you need to adopt in no time and be used to the new budget when your little one arrives.

Turn your hobby into cash

Can you knit? Do you like to scrapbook? Enjoy gardening? Print a few business cards or make signs for community bulletin boards and you’re in business. Get the courage to share why you are soliciting jobs and you might be surprised at the cash flow this can generate.

Babysit

Babysitting is not only for teens. As a parent of two, I would be delighted to find responsible grown ups to leave my kids for an afternoon or evening. In most areas of the country the pay for sitters is upwards of $10 an hour and in some areas it’s $20.
Consider hosting a parent’s night out one night a week and charge a flat fee per child for an evening of fun.

Choices

This weekend I met an amazing lady. She was one of the instructors at my FAKT training. She has 4 children and adopted some of them. I'm not sure exactly how many but one of the kids she adopted has severe CP. He has been with her since he left the Neo-natal ICU and is now about 14 or so.

Unlike having a biological child, every parent that adopts has a huge choice to make. Sometimes that's a blessing and sometimes it's a curse. When I adopted my son there were several children I was presented with I knew I wasn't the best parent for. There was the little boy of the boy/girl twins who appeared to be very disabled...the adorable bright eyed little guy whose bladder was on the outside instead of the inside and the sibbling group of three little boys that would have overwhelmed us and our tiny little house.

Even nearly five years later, I remember their little faces. I never met any of them, so it wasn't like losing Yan durning the journey to Fifi...but it was hard. It made me doubt myself a made me wonder if I was a good enough person to be a mother at all. I would have accepted any of these children had they been born to me biologically. I wouldn't have placed triplets for adoption or made an adoption plan for either of those special needs boys. So why did I decline to adopt them?

Even after all of this time, I still don't know the answers. Part of me thinks it wasn't right to treat these children any differently. That it is just another bias of a system that gives them the short end of the stick. But the other, more pragmatic part of me understands that I wasn't the best parent for any of them. I knew they needed more than I'd be able to give and I knew it would change the life of the child I'd already promised to raise. So they stayed in Russia and I brought Buddy home and while I give thanks everyday I didn't miss out on the oportunity to be his mom, I still wonder about those other boys...the ones I left behind.

I hope they are all in families who are able to give them the love and care they need to grow and flourish. Unfortunatly, I'll never know. But I say a pray for them from time to time and have faith that they, as well as I, am where we need to be.