Choices

This weekend I met an amazing lady. She was one of the instructors at my FAKT training. She has 4 children and adopted some of them. I'm not sure exactly how many but one of the kids she adopted has severe CP. He has been with her since he left the Neo-natal ICU and is now about 14 or so.

Unlike having a biological child, every parent that adopts has a huge choice to make. Sometimes that's a blessing and sometimes it's a curse. When I adopted my son there were several children I was presented with I knew I wasn't the best parent for. There was the little boy of the boy/girl twins who appeared to be very disabled...the adorable bright eyed little guy whose bladder was on the outside instead of the inside and the sibbling group of three little boys that would have overwhelmed us and our tiny little house.

Even nearly five years later, I remember their little faces. I never met any of them, so it wasn't like losing Yan durning the journey to Fifi...but it was hard. It made me doubt myself a made me wonder if I was a good enough person to be a mother at all. I would have accepted any of these children had they been born to me biologically. I wouldn't have placed triplets for adoption or made an adoption plan for either of those special needs boys. So why did I decline to adopt them?

Even after all of this time, I still don't know the answers. Part of me thinks it wasn't right to treat these children any differently. That it is just another bias of a system that gives them the short end of the stick. But the other, more pragmatic part of me understands that I wasn't the best parent for any of them. I knew they needed more than I'd be able to give and I knew it would change the life of the child I'd already promised to raise. So they stayed in Russia and I brought Buddy home and while I give thanks everyday I didn't miss out on the oportunity to be his mom, I still wonder about those other boys...the ones I left behind.

I hope they are all in families who are able to give them the love and care they need to grow and flourish. Unfortunatly, I'll never know. But I say a pray for them from time to time and have faith that they, as well as I, am where we need to be.