Monday, May 16, 2011

I've been SO neglectful! I'm sorry...

but I've been BUSY!

I'm proud to announce my novel, COMING HOME, is available on Kindle and Nook! It will soon be available in paperback, ibooks, kobo, etc.

Here's the Kindle link...and don't worry. You don't need to have a Kindle to read it. There are Kindle apps for all computers and most phones!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Inner Strength and Hard Lessons

One of the things I have been struggling with while working with DCS has been my unwillingness to work with them before I had my Fifi and Buddy. I did go to an information meeting, but I quickly realized there was no way I would be able to do it. I couldn’t risk giving my heart to a child I might not get to keep. I wouldn’t risk my own broken heart, even to save theirs.

So I got on a plane and went far, far away to find the most “sure thing” adoption I could find. And I loved it. I loved Russia and the travel. I loved the people in Russia. I loved my babies’ squishy little cheeks and bobbly heads. And I really loved that the minute we lifted off the runway toward home when I knew they were mine forever.

If the dollar weren’t weak. If the cost of another adoption from Russia weren’t so out of control and out of reach. If I was independently wealthy, I’d go back. In a heartbeat. I say to myself that I wouldn’t. That the price is so high it boarders on child trafficking. But I know in my heart if I could do it, I would do it again. But I can’t. And I’ve made peace with that. Mostly.

But I worry too. My children have changed so much in my life…and fortified my heart. They have helped me understand that loving a child will always be a benefit to that child. Any time spent in a functional, loving environment will make a difference to them, even if that family isn’t theirs to keep.

But while I worry less about my heart break and I worry more about Fifi and Buddy. I’ve explained the differences to them. They understand about their birthmothers and they know they lived first in a baby house in Russia until I came for them. They understand the children who come to live with us may not stay…that in this country the children stay with families instead of in a baby house, until their families can care for them or new parents are found. They understand this in theory, but I am worried about how they will handle saying goodbye to a friend. And if they can embrace a new brother or sister after thinking of them as just a visitor.

But as I laid awake last night I remembered that my job as their mother—their adoptive mother in particular, is not only to teach them how to love. While it might not always seem so, learning to love someone is the easy part. The other thing I must teach them if they are to become happy adults with healthy relationships, is how to let go.

Parents teach this to children without ever really thinking about it. I mean, the entire gold fish and hamster industry exists so that kids are exposed to death. Why else would parents choose such fragile pets with short life expectancies? Why not a turtle or a parrot? Because you don’t want their first experience with death to be Grandma or Grandpa or even Great Aunt Mildred.

As much as I want to protect them from anyone and anything that might cause them pain, I know I can’t do that. Moreover, I know I SHOULDN’T do that. My children need to learn to handle the painful situations that come to every life without turning to drugs or alcohol or other unsafe behavior. They need to know they will feel pain, but it will subside in time. They need to learn to grieve, understand its okay to cry and in the end, learn to let go.

As much as I hate it, I need to allow them to find and cultivate their own inner strength because it will always be there for them—even when I won’t.

Being a foster family will do help me teach them an important life lesson...and help another child have a life.  Seems like a win-win situation to me.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The flu and growing up...

Every now and then we have those weeks that just knock the stuffing out of you. Literally. That was last week. We all had the flu.

While I wouldn’t want to go through that again, being home for four days with the kids did have it’s moments…good ones, too. J We laid around, watched movies and played games. Saturday we finally all felt well enough to venture our and after I got home from my last foster parent training class we went to the movies.

We saw Bedtime Stories and Fifi found it hysterical. She laughed all of the way through, but especially at the Guinea Pig. It had great big buggy eyes and every time it would come on she would dissolve in giggles. She’s also starting to get more of the humor. I love Disney movies for many reasons, but my favorite is the way the layer the humor. As you get older different parts of different movies are funny. This time, Fifi was laughing at the parts I was laughing at as well as the parts the kids find funny.

My baby is growing up.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


FAKT class number 2 was on Saturday. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. Buddy had a ear infection mid-week and Fifi had the stomach flu on Friday, but it all worked out.

One more week of FAKT training then on Saturday of CPR, First Aid and Blood Bourne Pathogens. After that there are two evening trainings regarding adoption and the homestudy.

I'm really still just out of the starting gate, but it feels good to be making progress. The weird part about this foster to adopt thing, is the uncertainty of it all. You'd think, two adoptions in, I'd be used to uncertainty. That's true to an extent, but with Russia, both times I was fairly sure at the end of it all there would be a child. But now, there are no such guarentees. I have no idea if I will ever be matched with a child at all, let alone one I get to keep.

The waiting will always be a struggle for me when it comes to this or any adoption process...but I'm working on it.

"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted. me what I asked of Him." -- 1 Samuel 1:27